By David Ross
Recently the Border Patrol issued new directives on dealing with incoming aliens. The following conversation was recorded at the San Ysidro Border Crossing:
[A 1972 Datsun pick-up truck loaded with what appears to be large sacks of grain pulls up to the guard station]
INS OFFICER: Buenas Dias, Amigos, welcome to the United States. Do you have anything to declare?
DRIVER: [nervously revving up his motor in anticipation of a pursuit] No, no, senior. Nothing to declare! [One of the grain bags sneezes. The INS officer looks at the bag curiously].
INS OFFICER: And what have we here? Passengers posing as grain sacks?
DRIVER: They are bags of jumping beans, senior. They are not illegal aliens if that is what you are thinking.
INS OFFICER: We no longer refer to ``illegal aliens,'' Amigo, instead we call them ``citizens who haven't passed the test yet.'' May I offer you some complimentary hors'oeuvres and Margaritas?
DRIVER: [Munching appreciatively] Are these nachos?
INS: Yes. Would some of your bags of grain like some? DRIVER: We'll take some with us.
INS: We have a few more free gifts for you. This welcoming package includes the names and phone numbers of several very good civil rights attorneys. And here we have some applications so that you can almost immediately begin receiving welfare payments. May I ask if any of your passengers are pregnant?
DRIVER: Almost all of the women.
INS: Very good, then allow me to direct you to several very fine hospitals. Here are maps and directions. While you are there you'll be met by people who can immediately register newborn infants.
DRIVER: Anything else?
INS: [leaning into the window] I must advise you that if you continue into the United States with that load that you will be in violation of several statutes.
DRIVER: Are you threatening me with pursuit and arrest, senior?
INS: No, no! Didn't mean to alarm you.
DRIVER: Then get your arm off my truck before I sue you for police brutality and for the price of a new paint job.
INS: [pulls his hand away] And you would certainly be within your rights if you did! However, please let me make amends. We are aware that most of our visitors are law-abiding people, and so we merely ask that you register with the nearest INS office at your earliest convenience.
DRIVER: What if I don't have time, or it's inconvenient, or it's raining, or too sunny, or too cloudy or I want to sleep in until noon?
INS: You obviously haven't heard that the Border Patrol has a new motto: ``The United States: It's Not Just a Job, It's a Vacation!'' That means to me that customer satisfaction is Job One!
DRIVER: Senior, I like your attitude. One more thing --
INS: Anything! DRIVER: I'd like to be able to vote while I'm here. Can you arrange that? If you can't I may have to pay a visit to the Mexican Consulate and speak harshly about my treatment.
INS: Well, as you know, it's illegal for anyone who is not a citizen to vote. But I think as long as you don't make it a habit, and you don't abuse the privilege by voting more than five or six times, that we can make an exception.
DRIVER: Senior, this is a great country.
INS: [snapping to a salute] And we're doing our best to change that, sir.
[The driver accelerates through the station. He then continues on his mission of smuggling about a dozen persons into the country and off-loading several kilos of hospital grade heroin. Several days later when he returns to Mexico, he and his truck are machine-gunned into fragments by the Mexico Federales who mistake him for an illegal alien from Honduras.]
This column originally appeared in the April 25, 1996 issue of the Valley Roadrunner