By David Ross
Television won't tell you about some of the lesser known events at the Olympic Games, events that take second seat to the more glamorous gymnasts, weight lifters and basketball tournaments.
But we will.
On Monday the Olympic Chicken Bingo event began with the U.S. team definite underdogs to the Italian team, which has the fine art of poultry plopping down to a science.
The U.S. has always been a superpower when it comes to the related sport of Cow Tic Tac Toe, but it was only this year that our Olympic team became a contender in this little known, but prestigious event.
With our team playing their little chicken hearts out, this is truly an example of the agony of constipation and the thrill of victory. Will they have the giblets to win?
Four years ago the American team raised a stink when it was learned that the Tyson Company had approached some of the players to appear nude on specially marked boxes of chicken tenders, threatening their amateur status. Several of the players were also kicked off the bingo team when they tested positive for steroids, threatening to ignite another scandal.
Even more obscure than chicken bingo is the Horse Hockey event, a child of the land of the midnight sun.
Horse hockey is a sport that dates back to Twelfth Century Iceland and the catastrophic Icelandic Cheese Famine.
Players ride bareback on hairy midget ponies after dining on the traditional horse hockey feast of oatmeal, potatoes and sauce.
Of course, the home town favorites in Atlanta are the members of the Pre-Owned Syringe Toss team, which was recruited from the streets of the Peachtree Center.
This year, for the first time, teams will compete in the Nintendo event. Although the Japanese are the odds on favorites, it is well known that American teenagers are among the most skillful in the world when it comes to Nintendo. They will be particularly exciting since the event is being combined this year with the Homework Toss.
Another new, but underpublicized event is the Hang Ten Decathlon.
This sporting event was brought about because native Californians felt that no sport truly captured the spirit of the Golden State.
The Hang Ten Decathlon includes a rigorous challenge composed of the 100 yard boogie board flop, the Frisbee Toss, Beach Volleyball, Grunion running, Boardwalk Skateboarding, Bikini watching, Snark hunting and submarine racing.
It promises to be a great Olympics. Let the games begin!
This column originally appeared in the July 24, 1996 issue of the Valley Roadrunner